In fact we all are. From the day we are born to the day we die, we are all destined to tread our own path through life. It’s not to say that the journey is completely solitary, but a road once shared will one day fork and lead down different trails. I find solace in knowing that we will all end up at the same destination, thus having an underlying commonality that does connect us to reality. Yet at times I still try to force life to be more than that, and I’m now focusing my attention on figuring out why that is.
One thing I’ve struggled with has been the fact that I want people to be accessible to me when I want them to be. I seem to hold these high expectations of other people in relation to the fulfillment of my own needs. When I do well on a test I want to share my excitement with someone. When I am having a terrible day at work I want someone to listen to me and empathize with my frustration. Murray voiced this feeling really well the other night while talking about girlfriends. He said something along the lines of, “Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to tell the stupid stuff to.” I agree. My problem seems to be that I try to do that with everyone I know. The problem is that everyone has their own shit going on. I used to think of this as connecting on a deeper level, but now I’m starting to see it more like I’m just tossing my shit onto someone else’s plate.
I believe that I do this because I analyze reality far too much. I love thinking, but when I do ponder philosophical topics I open myself up to answers I may not be comfortable confronting, and to be honest these answers really frighten me. To ponder the definition of existence vs. non existence, intertwined with the nature of time and matter is enough to make ones head spin. So I think my desire to surround myself with other people comes from a feeling of desired kinship, because that lets me share the heavy burden I bring onto myself with others. I want to feel like my life path isn’t in fact solitary. I want to feel as though there is that shared path that doesn’t actually exist.
The truth is that I am only responsible for myself. I live alone inside my mind, it’s a place that in inaccessible to anyone else. I realized this driving today. And I wouldn’t want it any other way, I love choosing my own path! I don’t think I ever want to be permanently attached to someone/something else. Life may be hard at times, to the point where I think I need someone to carry me, but I really don’t need anything except a strong inner self. I am the master of my own destiny, and there is no greater gift in the world than that of self determination. I guess that’s the existentialist in me that feels the need to truly discover who I am and where my place is in the world. Another thing that Murray and I talked about was writing. I now realize that my writing is completely existential too. It’s all about figuring out who I am. I get my thoughts out on paper so that I can see things from a different perspective. I really do enjoy writing eloquently in an attempt to attain a level of mastery (Kosta) but at the end of the day what I write is all for me.
By the way, thanks Murray. Just taking an hour to sit down and talk to me the other night meant so much to me. You’re a great friend. And I feel great today! Way less stress now that I’ve finished my midterms and the majority of my group work!
Anyways, cheers everyone!