More and more I can see why people choose to submit to a set paradigm of reality. Attempting to live a dynamic lifestyle is becoming harder for me as I realize that I don’t have a set ideological roots from which to build an identity upon.
The only identity I have is that I am different, but where does that get me? I have noticed that I am becoming less volatile in my thought patterns, coming closer to a set of values and attitudes that make the most sense to me, but I still have a problem with making any kind of decisive decision. I feel like when you submit yourself to a framework of ideas that it can end up trapping you and never letting you go, and the idea of being static scares me.
I think about fundamentalism, extremism, any type of black and white thinking, and I think to myself that I don’t want to fall into that type of thought pattern. It comes down to the idea that I never want to stop learning, and I feel like if I chose to focus on living my life one way that I might miss out on another choice that could be equally as good, or possibly better. I guess this comes down to the idea of a choice. A couple of nights ago I sat down with my family after a couple drinks, and I asked them how they saw me as a person. I seem to freeze up a lot when I’m around my close family, most commonly around my older sister and brother in law. I feel this pressure when I’m around them because I don’t want to be seen as stupid or uncool. What ends up happening is that I have a hard time thinking of witty or intelligent things to say, and I cut my sentences short because I lose my ideas half way through communicating them. So I wondered if they had noticed this about me. Their response was that they saw me as a conscientious extrovert, someone that likes to be around other people, but that intensely analyzes social situations in order to make the best choice as to how to proceed. So now I’m starting to wonder if this is everything I am. Does every choice I make go through such a rigorous selection process to the point where I lag behind because I can’t make up my mind?
I want to quickly comment on a bit of stress I’m feeling at the moment. Today I took my first step into the Impact Conference, and I feel extremely intimidated already. There are many people attending this conference that seem extremely intelligent and well spoken, and now I am left second guessing whether or not I was a suitable choice to attend. Going back to the idea of roots, I don’t feel like I have a set mindset or attitude to build off of when discussing sustainability based topics. My ideas are scrambled, and I worry that I’m going to get there and fail as a delegate because I am not as clear headed as my fellow attendees are. It’s like I have this cloud floating inside my head, one which is navigable, but that slows me down immensely when trying to communicate an idea. I wonder if this cloud is simply confusion at times about who I am, where do I fit, and what I believe. If I don’t have a set mindset than how can I hope to proceed forward with any real success? Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself.