This will mark my first time writing since moving to Okotoks, which occurred about 2 weeks ago. I was on such a roll with my writing, but now it seems like I just don’t care anymore. I know I actually do care, but I seem to have lost my motivation to write. And this loss of motivation is not exclusive to my writing, but it applies to everything else I do that gives me pleasure in life. I seem to have retreated into myself, and I have never enjoyed being introverted. Part of me feels like this might just be a matter of transition. Moving into a new house is a big deal, and change can be difficult. I would assume that a feeling of isolation would be normal under these circumstances, even though Okotoks is only 20 minutes south of where I used to live. It seems absurd to me to think that my whole life has changed because of a 20 minute drive. But then again, thats an extra 20 minutes of driving time, gas money, and overall separation between me and the rest of Calgary. And don’t forget that where I used to live was already far away from most of my pastimes. But I’m sure that this feeling will pass soon. I coped with the distance from Mckenzie Towne, and now I’ve simple got to adjust to my new circumstances.
I’m hoping this doesn’t take too long though, because I don’t like how I’m feeling right now. I have this feeling of separation growing inside of me. It’s gotten to a point where I can’t bring myself to call up my friends and make plans because of the insecurity I feel inside, and I find myself fearing rejection more then normal. And when friends ask me to hang out, I find myself blowing them off, because it seems like too much work to drive into the city. It’s weird. I’m even quiet at school, which is odd for me. I’m usually known for speaking my mind in class, or being the talkative one in my clubs. But now when I do talk, all that comes out is a random awkward jumble of words. And I hate it! I feel like a moron, and all I want is to get back into my groove. But maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe I need this time to transition peacefully, time to come to terms with my new home and the changes it brings. But I am such a social being, one that thrives on human interaction, and I just can’t handle sitting on the sidelines while other people live life around me. So here are some things that I want to do over the next couple of weeks.
1. Hit the ODR. Winter is my hockey time, and I got off to an awesome start this year. I was hitting the ODR 4-5 times a week. But now I haven’t been in a few weeks, and I need to get back into it. This is my main source of exercise during this season, so time to hit the ice!
2. I will speak up in class. Class participation grades hang in the balance! And it really shouldn’t be that hard, most of my classes are pretty interesting.
3. I will schedule some hangout times with friends, and I will stick to them. No more bumming around home, and no more ditching.
4. I will have fun! I let work get the best of me a lot of the time, because I have so much on the go. But I gotta remember to smell the flowers! My ability to take time off and go on adventures used to be one of my favorite personal qualities. I will definitely go to Banff on the next beautiful day. (Wasted a golden opportunity yesterday).
And if you read my blog, and you see me around, please stop me and ask what I’ve done for myself recently. If I don’t have something interesting to say, then please tell me to take care of myself! I’ll love you forever for helping me with this! Thanks! Much love, Kevan