Why does it feel like I need to define what this blog is about every week, instead of letting it change along with me as it always has?
Recently, I've been trying decide on a voice in order to establish some consistency in my writing; a known quantity to keep readers coming back. This existential crisis has manifested out of a desire to evolve as a writer, to move away from my self-absorbed ramblings and offer something of value to others. But what would I focus on? An optimistic perspective? Curiosity and self discovery? Inner torment and despair? Interesting media? Community building? Life milestones?... Truthfully, I just want to write.
I started this whole blog as a way to better know myself, to get my thoughts down on paper (or screen-like equivalents) and see what came out. The added bonus: perhaps people would read it and relate to what I had to say, creating a greater understanding between themselves and I (fun fact: my first blog was called Can You Relate?). Although my writing is introverted in nature, I've realized lately that I do care about what other people perceive. I worry that my introverted focused material seems trivial, and makes me appear silly, shortsighted, or stupid.
What does an attitude (writing) of self-improvement look like if you never appear to improve? I see the journey, others see the snapshots. Are these the feelings of anguish, self-doubt, and self-loathing that Spike Jonze mentioned in his Oscars acceptance speech about what it means to be a writer? So yeah, I'm afraid to post personal stuff. You know those girls who say "I don't like drama", and then you steer away from them because in reality you know that they really love drama. Yeah, kinda like that. Maybe I don't want to seem so broken like the cast of HBO's Girls, who fail to realize their shortcomings and come off as childish and shallow.
There's also the worry that a potential employer is going to come along and read a post about one of my struggles, and then decide that all the hard work I've put into making myself someone of value is suddenly worthless because an opinion I shared doesn't mesh well with them.
Or what if I share an unfinished perspective that fails to reflect who I am and what I think, and then I significantly alter the way that people think about me or the values I strive to promote?
That’s what scares me the most, that I'm coming off as a thoughtless doofus who makes important causes seem asinine because they get related with his own shortcomings. I want to live with courage. I want to be vulnerable and live with conviction, but more than ever I'm afraid to do it. Maybe it’s an inescapable conclusion when you live with openness and refuse to conform to societal pressures. But more and more I feel that I have to do just that in order to move on to the next stage in life. Gaining confidence is everything, and I think you earn confidence when people can put their thumb on who you are and what you stand for. This from the guy who used to dance around on the train to show people that the world doesn't end when you go out of your comfort box.
Is that the problem? Is this always about other people? Because it sure does feel like I'm the most self-involved person on the planet. I live in my head, always analyzing the next move, the next words; and when my plans fail I criticize my shortcomings to no end. I'm putting so much pressure on myself to get this all figured out, to decide who I am and what I'm going to live by; but there was once a time when I used to say that a static identity is a wasted life. What happened to carefree Kevan who always did what felt right at the moment? Well, turns out he was an asshole that failed to take into account others feelings; and lost friendships along the way. I could shut down the blog, but then am I throwing away something that means a lot to me just to please other people? Story of my life. I'm sick of always analyzing my impact, the ripples my actions send out into unknown seas. I think I need to embrace the openness, and let it go as it will go. I think that's a great trait about millennial, we keep an open mind and allow things to flow naturally. Less and less we live by pre-established rules of how things ought to be, because given the right intentions and corresponding action, we get to the right place. Hopefully.