Over the past few months I've been opening myself to feeling again. That probably sounds overly dramatic, and from the outside it probably is. But inside of my head and my heart...it feels like everything has changed. It feels like I've awoken from a coma. Actually, I think I'd be fairer to say that I'm still waking up from that coma.
That coma was some of the worst years of my life. Life was rapidly changing around me and I was confronted with some less than comfortable realities about my life. I began to hurt, in many ways, in forms that were much more frightening than ever before. I tried to tell myself that fear and uncertainty would not rule my life. But sometimes they did. And so I learned to close myself off to those feelings. And slowly thereafter, all my feelings. If life was struggle, I would become hard. I would move forward with vision and conviction and define my own reality. And I did. And I became cold. I stopped giving a shit. I would have moments of crisis when my heart would scream out, but my calculating mind pushed on to its windpipe and slowly choked away the life. Inside my soul screamed for help, it clawed at me. Compassion for others and animals, respect for the world I live in, love for myself - it begged for me to be real. And I didn't listen. I inadvertently let go of the most important connection that I had cherished my whole life, the connection with my soul.
And in some ways it's scary to think about how easy it came about. Like any important relationship, if you don't care for it and keep it healthy, then it will fall apart. And as I built, I let a lot fall apart.
And I lived. It didn't feel like a problem. Things seemed okay, not great, but good enough. Bills were paid, food was eaten, tasks were accomplished. And I was void.
The tide started to turn once I found myself alone. As much as it hurt, it gave me time to think about how I had gotten to that point. Thank goodness for the silence. In it I began to hear a voice, and I listened. It asked me to care about feeling. It asked me to explore. It asked me to help. And I decided to try.
Looking back over the past 6 months there is so much I feel grateful for. Mackie2016, Sunday night GoT watching parties, sunny day frolfing, epic adventures in faraway lands, and reunions with soulmates to just name a few...These times and the people I've shared them with have changed my life. Every experience has been an invitation to connect, feel, and grow. It hasn't all been joyous days and rainbows, but light does it ever feel better.
And as these changes continue within and around me, my relationship with music goes into deeper and deeper places. With every new track that reaches out with the true essence of the artist I feel connected to something bigger than myself, a shared humanity. Through these songs I hear another soul like mine singing out: "do you feel this way too?". And that is a beautiful thing. And there's a part of me that so badly wants to share that with you. To share a song that is beautiful, a song that is moving, a song that is full of life. My hope is to share something that might change your life. Because it might, and that's enough for me.