I've been asked this question a few times over the last couple of days. And each time I've been asked, I have struggled to come up with an answer. The reason I have had a hard time answering this question is that I have had many different motivations for blogging over the past couple of years. It’s all been related to fluctuations in my personality. If my memory serves me correct, I had my first blog back in high school. it was a blogspot blog I believe, but to be honest I don’t remember much about it at all. My second blog was found at canyourelate.tumblr.com. The name speaks for itself. I sought to write material that my readers could relate to. I wanted to arrive at some real human truths that would help me establish a connection to my readers.
I started it back in the summer of 2008. At the time I was working for a commercial irrigation installer. One day we were working on a school park, and it started to rain. My coworkers all ran to shelter, but I decided to stay out and lie down in the rain. I’m not totally sure why I decided to do this. I believe part of it was because I had a bit of a rebellious nature that desired to try something different. Why shouldn’t I soak in the rain? Is it really any worse then being in the sun? It actually turned out really awesome, for more then one reason. The first being that I enjoyed a moment of inner satisfaction. I felt courageous, living life and experiencing the miracle of rain. I sensed every rain drop hit my skin, and it was actually a very spiritual moment where I felt truly connected to my body. The second reason why I loved the experience was that is pissed off my boss who was a total prick. This guy made my life hell at work. He was verbally abusive, and at the time I was very insecure. Needless to say he made me cry on more then one occasion. This is a guy who hated Wall-E and thought that Kung Fu Panda was the best thing since sliced bread…seriously? Fucking crazy. Anyways, later that night at home I felt like sharing my experience with others. I wanted to share how deeply that experience had affected me, because for me it was a victory over my fear. Instead of hating the rain, I embraced it, and found happiness where I would of otherwise been miserable. This moment made me want to write, to share these eye opening experiences with others in hopes of striking a cord. I ended up writing a blog for a couple of different reasons. One was that I hoped to motivate other people to rethink the way they thought about the world. Another motivation for me to write was to show other people the real me, the one hidden beneath the rough exterior. I also sought to let other people know how special they were to me, when I had a difficult time expressing myself in person. All of these things led to a pretty self-fulfilling experience for me, because I believed that I was positively contributing to those people who had decided to read my blog. But…. Eventually I got a big head, which leads me to the progression of my blog.
As mentioned in earlier posts, I’ve always seen myself as analytical by nature. I enjoy understanding the way things work. Over time, as I observed the world and wrote about what I saw, I began to believe that I had all the answers. I always had a societal disconnect with a lot of people, so in my past I believed that I was at the bottom of the totem pole. But that viewpoint changed as I grew older and developped intellectually with some close friends. I now saw myself at the height of my age group, a young man who had dwelved deep into understanding how societal influences impacted the human condition. I believed that I had become a person capable of understanding exactly why people thought and acted the way they did. This is when I began to feel pretty confident with myself, because I simply didn’t care what people thought. I saw most other people as a bunch of sheeple, and because of this I no longer worried myself with their judgments. Now this is good and bad in different ways. I did enjoy a lot of freedom and satisfaction as I danced around campus, rocking out to my music, and mystifying those around me. But at the same time I grew arrogant and egotistical. I shoved my beliefs in peoples faces because in my mind I was right. But at the end of the day I was still lonely. Sure I had developed this understanding of people and society, but I failed to see how much of an asshole I had become. This is why I stopped writing in my blog, because at this point the bad had begun to outweight the good. What started as a venture in positivity and understanding had evolved into a practice of arrogance. Sure, I still attempted to write positive stuff, but I could never escape that arrogant undertone that penetrated much of my writing. I lost a lot of friends at this point in my life, and it still pains me. But such is life. One must live by the consequences of his actions. This time gave me a lot of time to reflect on the way I had been treating people. Over time I began to focus on looking at the positive in the world rather then the negative. I tried to bring that into myself, and now I hope to live my life in a better balance then I had previously.
So why am I writing now? Because I’m not perfect. Writing is a way for me to organize my thoughts, and make sense of them all. Writing is a way for me to become the change that I want to see in the world. I want to have an open world where everyone connects on the deepest of levels, but to do so I must be prepared to put myself out there first. So here I am, looking to open myself up again. It honestly scares me to think of doing so, because I don’t know if I have the capacity to make amazing connections anymore. Yes I have friends, but how deep will these connections become? Will I get the chance to hang out one on one with these people when everyone has such hectic schedules? Will I get to become close to their families as I once did? Will I get to go on trips and experience amazing memories with these new people? I don’t know, and this really scares me. But I will continue down this path with the hope that someday my new friends will like me enough to invite me further into their lives.
Speaking of relationships, I was lucky enough to experience love at a young age. I had a girlfriend that I had dated for a total of 3 years off and on. As much as this relationship had it’s flaws, it still meant the world to me. I had someone to open up to, and someone who could open up to me. It was a real relatiohship, with real feelings involved. She lived with my family for a short time, she was super close with my friends, and overall she played a huge part in my development, and I love her for it. I often think of the Cher song, “do you believe in love after love?” because I often worried if such a thing existed. Did the intensity of my first relationship make it impossible to let myself connect with anyone else?
Ask and AIESEC will deliver. :P At conference, on New Years Eve, I met an amazing person. This girl from Victoria showed me that it was possible to connect deeply again. We talked about some deep stuff, and not only did I accept her for who she was (which is very rare for me when it comes to girls) but she also accepted me and my flaws. She gave me hope that there are girls out there that will be right for me, and it made me worry a lot less about finding them. I wish she lived in Calgary…but the effect she had on me over the conference is amazing enough by itself. I look forward to seeing this new friend in the future. Anyways, way off topic from where I started. At the end of the day I write for me. I write to remind myself of the importance of my relationships. I write to explore the human condition and its place in society. I write to better understand the nature of my reality and my perception of it. But at the end of the day, I write to inspire my readers and myself. I write because I think that if I can be open with who I am, then other people will be able to do so with me and others. A deeper connected world will make for a brighter future in my opinion, and I’m ready to take that leap.
Thanks for letting me share myself with you,