How can I feel so happy with my life, yet so uncertain at the same time?
I've had an excellent day. The new website I've been building is nearing completion, and my boss sounds pretty excited about the progress I've made. Being able to simplify her order process, and market her products better, is sure to have a noticeable impact on her business (And I'm sure you'd agree if you saw the current website). There's this feeling of fulfillment I've been getting from this job that I didn't get at the labour job that I just left. Sure, the work is simple at times, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to delivery inflatable castles and games, but the work environment is enjoyable, and getting to improve the company's image through my work makes me feel like I have a purpose there.
Last week I manned a photo booth at the Geo Conference, and really enjoyed interacting with everyone who wanted to dress up in goofy gear and take a picture. And being trusted to produce this website makes me feel valuable. I guess it comes down to being recognized as someone who has something to contribute, a feeling I was severely lacking when I first got back from Ghana. I didn't realize how important dignity was until I didn't feel any. One area where I've lost confidence is with my job search. It feels like I'm stuck in limbo, over-qualified for admin jobs, but under-qualified for anything more specialized. And not knowing how to move on to the next stage of life has been stressful, so in typical Kevan fashion, I decided to do something creative about it!
Today I booked my first interview for my new radio program, The Road Ahead. Oh, and I also settled on the name! At first I was terrified to undertake this project, but working on this program and seeing all the small pieces come together has started to wash away whatever fears I had about failing. Sending our proposals to people that inspire me, than having them respond back with enthusiasm about the idea is really amazing. I'm still a little scared about talking to people who have accomplished so much with their lives, but at the same time I'm excited for the opportunity to discover for myself what it takes to make an impact in this world. I don't think I've ever been this excited for anything in my life. But at the same time, this feeling of uncertainty continues to hang around. I know I lack confidence, being stuck in Okotoks with no savings to move out with, and with no steady job on the horizon. So while all these great things are happening, I still feel held back from my potential, and it's a bummer.
My dad says that life is a grind, and maybe this is what he means. Once you finish school, no one is going to hold your hand anymore, and not having that guidance can feel unsettling. My guess is that as things work out, I'll develop more confidence and the lack of security won't seem so frightening, but in the mean time this is definitely something I need to keep on top of. I don't want to be overcome by lathargy, or apathy. so I have to keep pushing on. But I have to admit, that I am looking forward to surrounding myself with amazing people who will help light the way.