After writing my last post, I was left worrying about how my writing might be interpreted by a reader. Would they see me as a whiny baby? Would they sympathize with the pain I was feeling inside? Would they think I‘m crazy and need to get my shit figured out? Would they think I’m brave for sharing my thoughts with the world?
I don’t know the answer to these questions, and in a way it bothers me. I think that I should write from the heart and let people take it however they want to, but at the same time I worry about how it might affect my relationships. I would hate for someone to initially think of me in one way based on my personal interactions with them, only for them to read something about me in my blog that makes them think differently about me. For example, I meet someone really cool and they think I’m really nice and fun to hang out with. But then they find out about my past drug use, and they end up freaking out because they are not experienced on the subject. What now? Do I end of losing this awesome friendship because of the secrets that I could have chosen to keep hidden away? Or do I expose myself to this risk in order to truly write about what I think and feel?
Well this actually happened to me during a car ride, and luckily I was able to explain about my experiences with drugs, and what they have done for me personally. This definitely defused a potential bomb. But in the case of an online blog, I will not be there to defend that friendship if a problem is presented, and that really worries me. (I’d love to write about society’s views on legal vs. illegal drugs, but I’ll save that for another day. Sneak peak: The Beatles are the number #1 selling artist of all time. Why? Love. How did they come to understand love so well? I suggest that they met Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.)
I really want to be as real as possible in my writing because I want my blog to be a true look into the human psyche; the good and the bad. I feel like I’d be lying to myself and everyone else if I were to only write about the best parts of my life. But maybe that’s just my opinion, maybe weakness shouldn’t be exposed. What purpose does opening myself up serve? Would it not be better to only portray a positive outward image in order to secure myself against problems with my relationships, while at the same time inspiring extra positivity in the world? Hard question. Another question is this: why should I care about how I come off in my writing? There seems to be an internal battle raging inside of me. Over time I have sought a balance between being myself and adapting myself to those around me. There have been times in my past where I’ve been very happy not caring about what people thought of me. If you liked me for who I was then great, if you didn’t then someone else would. But the problem I’ve encountered is that I am always changing. Who I am today, may not be who I am tomorrow. When you’re constantly changing, then this can put a large burden on those closest to you. Probably a reason why many of my long term relationships with friends and lovers have failed. One day they like me for who I am, and then who they liked has been replaced by someone else 6 months down the line.
A question going through my mind right now is whether or not this makes me fake. Maybe this constant adaptation is simply a manifestation of my desire for novelty. Maybe I am very superficial, and I’m not grasping the core of my humanity? But at the same time I feel like all humans are blank slates, and we are all a result of the culmination of our experiences. So shouldn’t we change over time as we experience new things?
Better question: Did that last sentence sound diminutive or inquisitive? I’ve heard that I sound like an asshole when I write, and maybe I need to find ways to improve my tonality. Sometimes I wish that I could find the answers I’m looking for through my writing. But then again, what fun would that be? :D Anyways, it’s 1:30am, bed time! It seems like I do all my writing late at night. I like it. :) Later!